Mike Wants a Game Job

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

1. It is actually possible for the sequel to the sequel to a videogame movie to be pretty good. Who knew?
2. The T-Virus is the true cause of global warming.
3. The khukri is the weapon of choice is post-apocalyptic America. Khukris and guns.
4. Get used to the fact that everyone you know is going to die if Milla Jovovich shows up.
5. A murder of crows exploding is one of life's simpler joys.
6. Even after the end of the world, the corporations will still be trying to take it over.
7. Seriously, watch out for Milla Jovovich.
8. Las Vegas is fucked without humanity.
9. As always, trying to domesticate or educate zombies never ends well.
10. Yes, we get it screenwriters; you"re trying to make references to the games. Now stop saying "biohazard� every five seconds.
11. Despite the afore mentioned danger, Milla Jovovich is sex on a stick. And an entire warehouse full of nude, pre-waxed Millas feeling the trill of life for the first time is a vision of erotic loveliness I never knew I was missing until I first laid eyes upon it.

I'm going to go see the Resident Evil flick tonight, and while they have generally been pretty good in the past (or at least entertaining), one must never underestimate the power of videogame movies to be incredibly, amazingly, mind-numbingly bad.

The Super Mario Bros. movie is an exception to this rule for me, however, as I sit through each viewing with the rapt delight I originally experienced it with when I was ten.

Ain't nobody got nothing on Dennis Hopper Bowser.

The Super Smash Bros. Brawl site has announced that their upcoming title for the Wii will support multi-player over the system's wi-fi connection. In an improvement over earlier Nintendo games that have utilized the wi-fi, players will not need to register friend codes in order to find a match, as there will be a service that will allow players to battle randomly selected people over the internet. Parents of young gamers should be pleased with how this function will work, as players will be unable to communicate with each other and no records will be kept of the battles, keeping children protected from potential predators. However, players that to do register and compete with friends will be able to track their statistics and send short messages via the taunt buttons on the controller (the d-pad directions). No word yet on whether certain words will be censored in this method, but seeing what has happened in the past with user created content in Nintendo games, I imagine there will be.

The Associated Press has reported that an unidentified man in China has died of exhaustion after playing videogames for three days straight. Paramedics were called after the 30 year old man fainted in an internet cafe, but were unable to resuscitate the victim. The name of the game he was playing has not been released, but it has been identified as an online role-playing game, echoing recent cries of addiction to games such as World of Warcraft and Everquest. This is not the first videogame-related death China has experienced, as a young man suffered a fatal heart attack in March after playing for nearly a week straight.

Lastly, remember Tingle, the annoying little faux fairy from some of the recent Legend of Zelda games? The little bastard now has his own game, Freshly-Picked Tingle"s Rosy Rupeeland, which was released a while ago in Japan and this week in Europe. No North America release for the game has been announced, but from the general hatred I have seen toward this character I am not surprised. Still, I must admit I am morbidly curious as to what the game is like, so much so that I am tempted to import it and experience the horror for myself.

I really wish I didn’t find bad ideas so appealing.

Karma is a fickle bitch, indeed

After two days full of ranting and raving against Final Fantasy VII to friends and random internet strangers alike, the following e-mail shows up in my inbox this morning:

"Today, OverClocked ReMix is proud to announce the release of its latest album, Final Fantasy VII: Voices of the Lifestream.  You can read all about this album and download it in its entirety for free at http://ff7.ocremix.org.

We're emailing to inform you of this album's availability because we think you'll be interested - it's some of the best work yet from many prominent OC ReMix artists - but also because we need your assistance.

We're trying to promote this album on a larger scale than previous releases, and need all the help we can get to make sure people know about this great, free music.�

OverClocked Remix is a site dedicated to remixing videogame music, and over the years people have posted some really great songs. The music has kept me company through some rather long nights in college, and occasionally I'll just get the urge to listen to some music from a certain game. But, as you may have been able to guess by now, I really hate Final Fantasy VII. This e-mail has presented me choosing between my beloved music or my beloved hate, but I think I have found a decent compromise.

Go check out Final Fantasy VII: Voices of the Lifestream, download it, and tell your friends about it. As much as I hate to admit it, FFVII does have some pretty good music, and I"m sure the remixers have done a great job with the album. After that, check out the main OC Remix site and listen to some of the other great tracks there (I’ve listed a few recommendations below), especially stuff from the old-school, pre-FFVII (i.e. good) days of Square Enix.

See? I’ve managed to promote the new album while in no way endorsing Final Fantasy VII. I think I should be able to sleep tonight.

Lastly, if you have a few minutes go check out the new game over at [adult swim]’s site: Viva Caligula! That man was living proof that you don’t need videogames to be crazy and violent, and now people can experience the madness of his life for themselves. The tagline says it all: Rome is corrupt, kill everyone to save Rome!

Mike’s OverClocked Remix Recommendations

SuperBuckJazz from Super Mario Bros. 2 by Estradasphere

Team Gato from Chrono Trigger by Mustin and Dale North

Maridia: Drowned in Exile from Super Metroid by Children of the Monkey Machine

Assembly Line Apparitions from Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest by Protricity

It's an angry day for me.

I have a lot of angry days whenever the GameFAQs Character Battle rolls around. For those of you who don"t know, this yearly event focuses on people voting for their favorite videogame characters in numerous rounds, with the contestants eventually being whittled down to one champion. Yesterday Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII was a contestant, and as usual he swept the competition.

Let me make this clear right now: I fucking hate Final Fantasy VII. It is an alright game, but certainly not the alpha and omega of gaming that everyone makes it out to be, and because of this fact I have let my distaste for it blossom into a giant, malevolent flower of pure loathing. The story is fairly trite and has too many plot-holes and clichés to name in one post (Aeris dying, Cait Sith, Cloud’s past, etc.). The characters, including key players Cloud and Sephiroth, tend to be boring, whiny and generally uninteresting (Oh, you have a tragic past? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE IN THE GODDAMN GAME). Cloud, with his constant stream of whiny existential crises, ends up being like Hamlet only somehow MORE boring (side-note: Ophelia is really the character to watch in that play), and Sephiroth is simply a phallus toting second-rate villain with an Oedipus complex and a penchant for misquoting the Bible. Admittedly, the chocobo raising and racing was pretty fun, but even that was kind of fucked up when you think about it.

Yet despite all this, the game is somehow revered as the greatest thing Square Enix has ever produced. You want a good Final Fantasy game? Go play Final Fantasy IV. You want to play the best game Square ever produced? Go pick up a copy of Chrono Trigger. I defy you to come back to me and say Final Fantasy VII is so great after playing those games.

By the way, Final Fantasy VIII sucks, too.

Game:  Metroid Prime 3: Corruption for the Nintendo Wii by Retro Studios 

Premise: In this third installment of the Metroid Prime series, Samus Aran returns to conclude the battle with her malevolent counterpart, Dark Samus. Players travel to a variety of worlds while collecting power-ups and battling Space Pirates, mutated monsters, and rogue Hunters in order to rid the galaxy once and for all of the corrupted influence of Phazon.

Visuals and Audio: The game is a joy to look at, but unfortunately the graphics have not improved much beyond the days of the original Metroid Prime on the Nintendo Gamecube. More than ever, it is painfully clear how the Wii's lack of HD support will hinder it in the future, since this game would look truly magnificent given the proper graphics support it deserves. Excellent sound effects and background music do much to fill this gap, however, and with the visuals combine to form worlds that are brimming with their own unique vibrancy and life. Additionally, the soundtrack is comprised of both new tracks and remixed ones from older Metroid games, something that is sure to give old-school fans of the series a kick.

The Good: It's a Metroid game, which is essentially synonymous with quality. Excellent gameplay, an engrossing narrative, and the ability to play as one of Nintendo’s dearest and most badass characters always impress. Of particular note for this game, though, is its control system. Metroid Prime 3 has refined the use of the Wii Remote and Nunchuck in first-person shooters, with the control stick on the Nunchuck being used for lateral and forward movement (much like the WASD keys in first-person PC games) and the Wii Remote used to point at different areas on the screen in order to make Samus change her field of vision (like how the mouse is used first-person PC games). After the mountain of frustration that was Red Steel’s control system, it is great to see a game that can pull off first-person on the Wii successfully. 

The Bad: While the controls are great they can take a little time to get used to, and even then it is annoying when you accidentally point the remote off screen and Samus’ field of vision just sticks there.

Why You Should Play This Game: Three reasons.

1. It is a goddamn Metroid game.
2. To check out the nifty FPS controls available to the Wii.
3.  (Mild spoilers) You get to fight Ridley….twice. I have always loved kicking that giant, fire spewing pterodactyl’s ass, and now this game has given me the opportunity to do it twice in one play-through. From the bottom of my heart, thank you Retro Studios 

Rating: 46 out of 51 Missile Expansions

Dear PSP Owners,

Why is it that every time I talk to one you people the only thing you have to get excited about is all the emulators you can run on the PSP? "Hey check this out, I can Super Mario RPG on my PSP! Isn't that cool? I"ve also got Super Mario 64 games!â€? Wow, that sure is nifty. You know what’s also nifty? The fact that I PLAYED THOSE GAMES 10 YEARS AGO AND CAN PLAY THEM ANYTIME I WANT ON MY COMPUTER FOR FREE! Come on people, am I the only who sees how lame that is! Thos of you who picked it up launch sank $300 into a system that still needs a complete overhaul and at least 20 good games to make it worth that price, and the ability to emulate old systems is just a poor consolation. And do not even try to bring UMD movies into this: we all that it’s always been a second tier format that produces crappy video quality and a generally poor viewing experience (“I like my movies the way I like my women: small and without fine detailâ€?). Here’s an idea: buy a DS for a much lower price and try some NEW games on an innovative platform. Now I know I’m biased towards the DS, but come on! It just seems like the obvious way to go! It’s smaller, cheaper and the games are just better overall  (try to avoid the ones that use the touch screen just for the hell of it, Metroid Prime: Hunters and Star Fox Command I’m looking at you). So PSP owners, please wise the hell up, before you give me a brain aneurysm. Thanks.

Love,

Mike

Game: Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords by 1^st Playable Productions

Premise: Believe or not, Puzzle Quest is a puzzle game. Don't worry; it catches a lot of people off guard. The game involves a fairly typical RPG structure of traveling around the world while leveling up and collecting items to defeat the Big Bad (in this case Bane, the God of Death), but instead of normal style battles with the player character on a field slashing and/or bludgeoning its enemy, a game similar to Bejeweled is played. Characters match up various gems to gain mana, gold, experience, or to deal damage. Additionally, PC"s and enemies are able to cast spells that can cause direct damage or manipulate the board in some way.

Graphics: Visuals are fairly mediocre, with the avatars of various characters and enemies looking like they received most of the artists’ attention while the rest was barely bothered with. Even with the avatars more really could have been done to distinguish one character from another, particularly with some of the bosses that look exactly like some regular monsters that appear throughout the game. "Oh so you’re the big bad undead king of the minotaurs? And you look just like every other lame skeletal cow so far. Scaaaaaaaaary.�

Sound: Character pictures were not the only thing recycled in this game. The same few tracks are used over and over again to the point where they tend to blend into the background noise of everything else happening in the room and become white noise. Honestly, players would be best advised to turn the volume on the DS all the way down and pop in a good CD.

The Good: Despite the mediocre graphics and repetitive music, the puzzle aspect of this game is well thought out and incredibly addictive. Bejeweled was bad enough by itself, but adding slightly more complex gameplay, a narrative, and in-game rewards makes it even harder to pull yourself away.

The Bad: The computer cheats. It sounds like an immature thing to say but in this case it is perfectly true. A player can spend two minutes looking for a good move only to come up with one that nets him a few gold or mana, while the computer can instantly make a move that lets it acquire copious amounts of mana and treasure while dealing huge amounts of damage to the player. Or the computer will know which move will trigger chain combos of gems that are not even on the screen yet. Stupid cheating computer.

Why You Should Play This Game: If you’re a fan of puzzle games this is definitely a game you will enjoy. Be forewarned though, like many other puzzle games it can cause fits of extreme rage. I can’t even begin to count how many times I have cursed at or flipped off my DS because of this game, and it has become so commonplace it is my first reflex when the computer makes a clever move.

Overall Rating: Three and a half middle fingers up.